realsean (realsean) wrote in freaks_united,


This is probably the last time I’ll be asked to perform at Beale Street and it’s the second time in my two-year career as a comic that I’ve been guarded on my way out of the venue, but this one was easily the scarier and more fun.

Six of us were asked to perform tonight thinking it was an open mike or small showcase for passers-by. When we walked in and saw FREE chicken wings (which we were not invited to enjoy) and $2 Cuervo shots we knew this was going to be a fucking NIGHTMARE. The other comics Walked the fuck out of there but I saw the potential for a great story when two drunk ass fools from the ghetto walked in and started heckling.

These were two girls who were not black but some sort of half-breed that would have made Cher feel like an Arian Princess. They kept screaming, “Holl-ah!” which is ghetto for “Give me attention” or “I agree” or “Who farted?” or something similar. It’s a poor people’s aloha. They welcomed me and I started talking about my missing wallet.

“We don’t care about your wallet, motha fucka!” Probably because in the pen they keep everything of any value in their anal cavities. My bad. Comedy is about things the audience can relate to. Stupid me.

They kept trying to get me to go blue (dirty) and finally I gave in and started talking about the worst blowjob I ever had. At some point this stupid bitch started gagging. I was THRILLED that I’d finally made her laugh, and so hard in fact that she gagged. She then proceeded to vomit all over the place and Cuervo taquito digestion filled the barstools. This was fucking brilliant.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Even when she started CHOKING on her own vomit (I HONESTLY) thought she was laughing. PROMISE! And someone started pumping her stomach/Heimlich style. Im finding this hilarious. (“What some people will do to get their tits grabbed!” I screamed.)

She finally comes to. Turns out she was gagging about the perversion of man on man love and not my hilarity. And then tells me she and her boyfriend are going to “gut my faggot mother fucking pussy ass, ass (something or other) ass bitch.”

I didn’t know what to say. so I just yelled….


She took off her shirt and THEN she ran for the stage and the owner grabbed her.

“Oh go back to Compton, Lil Kim!” I chuckled.

That’s when the mike went dead and the show was over. She and her boyfriend didn’t get so much as a swing in before Reggie, Bob and Anthony drug me off and out the back door to the bus.

If I could do this every night I would be in heaven.
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