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Perfect [05 Feb 2007|11:30pm]

There is this guy who works out at Crunch for whom I have much disdain.  I don't know his name, but I call him Fucker.  I've yet to really speak to him.  I just hate him.

On Monday nights, my secret boyfriend Colin teaches two of the most popular classes of the week (spinning and abs).  Spinning starts at 5:30 and sign-up begins at 4:30 because the class fills up by 4:35.  To keep people busy, Colin begins his abs class at 5 and it ends right as spin starts.  It's like Must See TV for Crunch.  I don't work on Mondays because I love it so much and the CPK shift changes during day or night would prevent me from the ridiculous sign-up process.  Crunch is so crazy, you actually get to pick which bike you sit on ahead of time thanks to their seating chart.

Let it be known that I hate everyone in these classes, really.  It's a very Type A group of women executives who are terrified of turning 30...3 years ago.  They act like they love all the gay guys but it's obviously a political movement to keep their jobs, because the queens own showbiz.  Everyday, I get there at 4:30 and walk shamefully to the back of this line while I'm silently judged for not being there at 4:15 to be the first bitch to sign-up.  But I sit in the front of these classes and interestingly enough, the type A's want the middle rows or the back.  I like the front because I can a) drool over Colin and b) learn how to spin better.

What were we talking about?  Oh yes, the fucker.  You'd hate him.  He and his queeny little friend walk in together everyday.  They're both tall and have dark hair, which by proxy makes them attractive.  Fucker has beady eyes and doesn't smile unless it's to offset an awkward moment with a but-kissing girl.  And then it's more like a sighing breath like, "huh huh huh huh...oh my cheeks hurt."  His cheeks are perfectly square, as I'm sure his sex life is, also.

He can stretch his legs and back perfectly.  His abs are perfect.  he doesn't moan like I do when Colin calls "C'mon everyone, 8 more!"  He just faces upward and is perfect for longer.  Today I hoped that one day he gets diarrhea  during class, the kind that he thinks is a fart but turns out to be more.  A trail of pink tears.

The day I joined Crunch, Fucker was in the front of the line and I asked, "Is this the line for Colin's class?"   And he said, "Um, yeah."  Like in that sing song asshole way..."Ummm, yeaaaa-H!?!?"  Like so faggy, you know?  Like I was trying to hit on him and that was the best line I could come up with.  Please.  He's so nelly I'd have to hop on a cloud to talk to his fairy ass.  He always stands with his arms folded, like he's cold.  Like he's in New York City outside in a long line to see some Judy Garland tribute show on Broadway.

I imagined his Connexion profile saying something like, "Definitely NOT looking for sex.  Feminine guys need NOT apply.  I just love dancing to Gwen remix's and drinking mojitos with my 'bois.'

Today I saw him pull into the garage in a brand new silver Saturn and it made me really angry.  Why do the most horrible people have the things I want, and by that I mean the back-up for such a shitty attitude?

( do the time warp again)

[25 Jul 2006|01:09am]
I'm not strong at religion but I know what we must "Prey" to! Did anybody play this game? I know that nobody. There will be armageddon in the supermarkets... http://game-era.com/preview/id/10

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL [01 Mar 2006|10:23pm]

Hi, kids. I'm Back. Say Hi.


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Join, Freaks [01 Mar 2006|05:08pm]

tubeyoucrew is now accepting applications for membership.

If you love TV as much as we do.

Hit it up.

( do the time warp again)

My Eyes Hurt Part 1 [19 Sep 2005|12:23am]

At a party last night, my conversations went like this. No joke.
"Hi I'm Sean."
"Your forehead is so wrinkled I could wash clothes on it." said X gay man.
"Hi I'm Sean."
"26? You look a lot older!" said Y gay man.
And my favorite...
"Hi, I'm Sean."
'Yeah, I don't have time to talk to a burn victim!"
Honestly, I turned away. A little drunk and very tired...I started crying. I'm ashamed to say that he saw me choke up and was shocked that it actually hurt me.
"No, I'm kidding! Haha!" he squealed.
"Oh, I'm just tired and my eyes hurt. I know you're kidding!" I chuckled. I couldn't even admit to HIM that I felt like the ugliest person in the solar system, which is saying something because Singapore is full of really awful-looking retards.
It was a long day waiting tables and doing stand-up, but I was trying to be confident, rational, and mature...but no luck. My ride home is filled with snot and tears. I have an emotional cancer to be loved by everyone, but especially the people who up until 3 years ago I loathed: Gay men. Prada-loving, connexion-cruising, self-hating, meth-binging, age-defying, lying-bottoms Faggots. I'm happy I've welcomed them back into my heart.
These men don't realize that if they'd talked to me 5 years ago I would have been a floundering beached whale with ugly sandals. They're getting a fuckin treat, now! Even Danny, a guy who I dated briefly this summer was fond of mentioning the abundance of my stretch marks pre-sex. Never once did I mention to him that his ciggarette breath made me want to die. But he loved telling me that I didn't have enough clothes in my closet and that he was "tired" of seeing me in blue. "Wow, your pores are huge!" he liked saying during make-outs. It makes me feel like an Ogre listening to these guys talk about my 26 year old laugh lines.
I've been a militant best friend since 2003 to every LGBT (Yeah...you-know-me!) who I meet, which is stupid. Then booed off stage by lesbians, cattily hushed by the drag queen who checks ID's at Mickeys, and scoffed at by every white gay man I meet in Sacramento, San Francisco, Los Angeles, San Diego, Long Beach, Boise, and Detroit. I've learned that on a scale of 1-10, in my own mind, I'm average...a 5 or 6, but in the white gay world...I'm an Aardvark.
But last night was different because it was a Puerto Rican who said I was ugly. They always love me. My ass is big, and that has always been my meal ticket with latins. Not this one. I felt betrayed. Like I was P. Diddy being dumped by J-Lo right before the verdict. Now, I am alone in my quest to be respected by the gays. I attract a very specific type: STRAIGHT WOMEN.
Straight women have taught me the lesson of my life, that I am not the average girl from the vid-e-o. That I treat people how I want to be treated. I don't tell people that they are ugly or fat or too chinky or too femme or poor. I say it about their friends. Golden rule, ladies. Golden Rule.
We spend so much time trying to find ways to bring average people down a peg. What do I get out of making you more humble? And it's not just gay guys who do it. Straight men are assholes, too. And women can be bitches, vicious cunts, even. Come to think of it, all people in their 20's waste their lives trying to make people feel bad. Life is too short, people - and we're all going to die...of AIDS, anyway!

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They Might Be Giants show? [19 Jul 2005|01:41pm]
Hi to all Seattle Music Fans!

Our arts group, Northwest Programs for the Arts, planned on having the Giants play the 10th Annual Seattle Music Fest at Alki Beach on Friday, Aug. 12th. Long story short, sponsor dollars fell through and we will not be holding the festival at the beach this year (barring someone calling us with miracle dollars today…anyone?).

So, here's the question:

If we scaled the festival to a one-day mini-Fest at the Moore Theatre and had TMBG play the Moore (with a few local band openers), how many of you would be interested?

Tickets would be around $25 with proceeds benefiting Northwest arts programs and helping us bail things out.

There are about 1400 seats at the Moore and we'd have to sell most of them to break even.

***Would you attend? Would you help us get the word out? Can we fill the Moore?***

Please post level of interest here and also e-mail us at tmbg –AT- northwestarts.org.

More info on the Seattle Music Fest (as it was to be) is at http://www.seattlemusicfest.org. More info on how NPA supports artists and brings arts to the community is at http://www.northwestarts.org.

Thanks to all of you for supporting music and those working hard to create it!

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Delicious Surprise [12 Jul 2005|12:29am]

I'm finding as I'm re-writing this show and working it out at open mikes that audiences don't believe I really once weighed 275 pounds. And not just "once" I mean I was a really fat kid, teenager, and adult. No breaks. I grew up in a family that relied on food for celebration, comfort, self-destruction, boredom. So much fucking boredom. Taco Bell was our court jester.
People think I'm whining or just making fun of the fat community. How could I? I AM the fat community. I'm convinced this is not the last I'll be seeing those rolls in my belly. I'm sure deep down that my sleekness is temporary. I don't deserve to be healthy or sexy. Sing it with me, Rosie.

I grew up hiding my self from my sexuality with cheesecake, just like Bea Arthur. I still do. If you don't think I don't want to go fuck every short asian muscular power top/bottom I see, you're blind. I want it. But I'm scared to want anything too much.

Scared to come with guys I really like. Scared to dance as hard as I can. Scared to invest my hardest work into my art.

All of these things would allow my eyes to roll into the back of my head for too long. I might look stupid, like I did 100 pounds ago.

Scared to make eye contact with even close friends. Scared to reign it in, scared to let it go. I'm a droppy faucet.

Even Sam doesn't believe this show, and she's a friend from the fat days. She even spent time at fat camp. What do I have to do to convince you I'm addicted to peanut butter?

I should never have peanut butter again. Peanut butter on a waffle with maple syrup, whip cream and bananas is as unsafe for me as bottoming for a homeless drug addict without a condom.

Tonight you told me that what makes me funny is my honesty. That I can't give up. That I must make it funny.

In the morning Wendy wants to see SOMETHING.

And you...you gave me the only hope I had. You're a piece of cake that showed up in the fridge--a delicious surprise everytime I talk to you, hug you, kiss you...run with you...

Thank you.

If I won me the lottery
I'd dance naked in the street
With a top hat full of money
And you'd wanna get to know me
If I won me the lottery
And if I was a movie star
I'd sip honey from a pickle jar
In the back of my limousine
They'd call me an icon
And I'd be lookin' back at you
From the cover of the People magazine
I guess it's all for the takin'
I guess it's all yours and mine
Danny says I got to see it and believe it
I believe it, I believe it
If I;m just an outsider
I'm livin' in a trailor
with a black and white tv set
If only I was president
You know I'd paint the white house pink
And never have to pay the rent
If only I was president
I guess it's all there for the takin'
I think it's all yours and mine
Wendy says I've got to see it and believe it
I believe
I won't sleep 'til I've had enough
I believe
Won't sip my wine from no paper cup
I believe
Won't sleep 'til I've had enough
Until I've had enough
Delicious surprise
Now I do believe
Now it's there all the time
Inside I knew it all the time

Current Mood: refreshed
Current Music: "Delicious Surprise (I Believe It)" Jo Dee Messina

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Looking for new blood [03 Mar 2005|10:16pm]

[ mood | curious ]

Nerds_ahoyCollapse )

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2005 Tiger Army and Unseen Tour [01 Mar 2005|07:38am]

Tiger Army begins their Dark Romance headlining tour March 31st in Ventura! The first leg dates have been posted with The Unseen and Lost City Angels also on the bill. Tickets go on sale THIS SATURDAY! Go to the Tiger Army website at tigerarmy.com for details.

Tiger Army Dark Romance Tour 2005

March 31, 2005 - Ventura, CA @ Ventura Theatre
April 1, 2005 - Anaheim, CA @ House of Blues
April 2, 2005 - Las Vegas, NV @ Jillian's/Neonopolis
April 3, 2005 - Tempe, AZ @ Marquee Theatre
April 5, 2005 - Albuquerque, NM @ Launchpad
April 7, 2005 - Dallas, TX @ Trees
April 9, 2005 - San Antonio, TX @ The Sanctuary
April 12, 2005 - St. Petersburg, FL @ State Theatre
April 15, 2005 - Jacksonville Beach, FL @ Freebird Cafe
April 19, 2005 - Washington D.C. @ Black Cat
April 23, 2005 - Boston, MA @ Axis
April 24, 2005 - New York City, NY @ B.B. King Blues Club
April 27, 2005 - Cleveland, OH @ Agora Ballroom w/ 12 Step Rebels
April 29, 2005 - Chicago, IL @ Metro/Smart Bar w/ 12 Step Rebels
April 30, 2005 - Minneapolis, MN @ Ascot Room at The Quest w/ 12 Step Rebels

Note: The Dark Romance Tour continues through late May... many more show dates on the way!

Anyone else going!??

( do the time warp again)

Contract Negotiations [29 Jan 2005|12:39pm]

celeb sighting: Florence Henderson 'nuff said.

Some guy at the gym asked me out last night and he e-mailed today. Here's his e-mail:

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celeb sighting: Florence Henderson 'nuff said.

Some guy at the gym asked me out last night and he e-mailed today. Here's his e-mail:

<<Just thought I'd send you a quick email to say "HI" and it was nice to officially meet you last night. What a great way to start the weekend. I know it was bizarre to introduce myself to you on the street. Sorry if that was a bit tacky or uncomfortable for you. I'm 3/4 Mexican and 1/4 Spanish...Most people would never suspect it though. What about you? What nationality are you? How is Monday night movie at my house? This weekend is a busy weekend for me as I have a friend in town and on Sunday i'm trying out for a gay softball league with a co-worker, so that'll be lots of fun. I have to admit, I love sports, especially football. Now, I know, very rare in most queens in weho...lol
Can I call you sometime before then? Don't freak out when you see all the grey in my hair.
Oh, and one more thing..
I hope you don't mind us watching the movie in my bedroom as that's where my DVD player is...
Lets talk soon!

I responded with this:

<<Wow. You're a mexican!
I recently broke up with one of your "people". It was hard. Long term gay relationships are hard to maintain, and I knew there was something special when I met him last week. It was a really intense weeklong relationship that scared me. He collected teddy bears named after all of his ex-boyfriends. He had over 70. When we broke up I had to do it over Friendster. I was that scared of the confrontation. So these days, I'm into being friends with no expectations and seeing what happens. I'm trying to be mature, at least until I get drunk, or desperate, or handicapped.

good luck with the nelly softball league.

We don't know what nationality I am on my mom's side because my grandma was a hooker. seriously. On my dads I'm scottish. So I guess I'm half european, half corner of 6th and broadway.

Hey Gary, wanna hear something sexy?

I wasn't supposed to move back to LA at all. I was coming down to Hollywood last week for a showcase and then I ended up getting an audition and a pitch meeting, so I decided on a whim to just stay here. My family is THRILLED! I lost on the pitch and who knows on the audition, but I'm still here. Now what, you say?

Here's what. I live in my friends mom's herbalife office on ventura/whitsett. IT HAS A SHOWER and a toaster. And herbalife. I have all the shakes I need. jealous? hmm?

I hang out all day at starbucks e-mailing old friends from when I lived here before and worked in production begging for a break. I applied today at Baja Fresh, 24 hour fitness, Coffee Bean, A lifeguard Station (I dont know if they're hiring, I just nailed a resume into the ladder).

I tell you all of this for two reasons. If you like your friends to have really awesome jobs and like...you know, a residentially zoned bedroom, maybe we can still be pen pals. And, if you still want to hang out (because you hate yourself), it's gotta be cheap. So, a movie at the house is cool. But I will talk through it unless...oh hey. I've been wanting to see some old movies that I've never seen. Which of these haven't you seen? Breakfast at Tiffanys, Casablanca, Citizen Kane, Vertigo, The Bad Seed, etc? I never see movies so pretty much any would be new to me.

I promise outside of the whole homeless thing, I am driven (toward impending failure), college educated, haven't tied my pregnant wife to an anchor, and really like to read (Stereo instruction booklets).

I'd rather not talk on the phone. I need to conserve my instrument.

My pubes are gray so no worries. Move your dvd player to the laundry room please. I like the scent of fabric softener.>>

Why must I sacrifice suave for stupid? We have a date on Monday.

( 6 hot patooties | do the time warp again)

[26 Dec 2004|07:16pm]

[ mood | creative ]

well hello my lovers. it seems as though it has been ages since i interacted in here. how are you all?

psy and myself, let the remodeling of the community fall through but soon when we get a chance it will be finished.

what was your christmas like? and what made or brought down your christmas?

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[26 Dec 2004|01:13pm]

[ mood | uncomfortable ]

My christmas? Let's see what I got:

1. A lovely white scarf.

2. Jack Kerouac's book ''Subterraneans''. I tried to read it once- or actually three times, but I think it's quite boring. If you don't know, Jack Kerouac is a not-so-famous beatnik poet.

3. Jack Kerouac's book ''Big Sur''. It's really a morbid story about his last decades, how he tried to avoid publicity and how his early death was lurking for him. But I feel it's the most emotional, honest and abstract book that he has written.

4. A new calendar for the next year.

5. Lordi's new album ''Monsterican Dream''. The best tracks are ''Blood red sandman'', ''Children of the night'', ''Kalmageddon'' and ''My Heaven is your Hell''.

6. A black leather belt with very sharp silvery studs.

Yesterday I watched Rocky Horror Picture Show. It made me feel positively very weird.
If I were one of the characters, I'd like to Magenta.

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[08 Dec 2004|11:56pm]

ahhh well i haven't been here in a while. does anybody here skateboard? if so please comment....NO I DON'T KNOW WHY JUST DO IT.....SHADAP!

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[05 Dec 2004|12:33pm]



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Tribal Café mailing list... :) [29 Nov 2004|08:03pm]

[ mood | rested- finally, but we'll see ]

If anyone wants to be added to the mailing list that is strictly for announcing the opening date/time/etc. of Tribal Café in Echo Park, and a few other announcements like the post below this one (needing creative people to help out), just email me at: martha@alliecatjewelry.com with the email address you want to be added in the body of the email if it's different than your "Reply To:" email address. You won't be getting any emails after the café opens as I will possibly be helping the owner, Josh, set up a regular, on-going mailing list for that. If I do end up helping him do that, you'll know about it beforehand by joining this mailing list above (I'll post about it in this Live Journal, also) and you'll have the option of continuing to receive Tribal Café updates. You can unsubscribe at any time whatsoever and your email address will never be given/shown/sold/etc. to anyone at any time, period.

Anyways, thank you and I hope to see you at Tribal Café soon!!! :D ;) PEACE!!! :D ;)

*** Martha ***


( 4 hot patooties | do the time warp again)

[05 Nov 2004|03:10pm]

Just for this morning, I am
going to step over the laundry,
and pick you up and take you to the park to

Just for this morning, I will
leave the dishes in the sink,
and let you teach me how to put that puzzle
of yours together.

Just for this afternoon, I will
unplug the telephone and
keep the computer off, and sit with you in the
backyard and blow bubbles.

Just for this afternoon, I will
not yell once, not even a
tiny grumble when
you scream and whine for the ice
cream truck, and I will buy you one if
he comes by.

Just for this afternoon, I won't
worry about what you are
going to be when you grow up, or second guess
every decision I have made
where you are concerned

Just for this afternoon, I will let
you help me bake cookies, and I won't
stand over you trying to fix them.
Just for this afternoon, I will take
us to McDonald's and buy us both a
Happy Meal so you can have both toys.

Just for this evening, I will hold
you in my arms and tell you a story
about how you were born and how
much I love you.

Just for this evening, I will let
you splash in the tub and
not get angry.

Just for this evening, I will let
you stay up late while we sit on the
porch and count all the stars.

Just for this evening, I will
snuggle beside you for hours,
and miss my favorite TV shows.
Just for this evening when I run
my finger through your hair
as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God
has given me the greatest gift ever

I will think about the mothers
And fathers who are searching
for their missing children,
the mothers and fathers who are
visiting their children's graves
instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and
fathers who are in hospital rooms watching
their children suffer senselessly, and screaming inside that they can't
handle it anymore.

And when I kiss you good night I
will hold you a little tighter, a
little longer. It is then, that I will
thank God for you, and ask
him for nothing, except one more day.............

Hi. I am a 29 year old father. Me and my wife have had a wonderful life together. God blessed us with a child too. Our daughter's name is Rachel, and she is 10 years old. Not long ago did the doctors detect brain cancer in her little body. There is only one way to save her and that is an operation.

Sadly we don't have the money for the operation.

AOL and Zdnet have agreed to help us. The only way they can help is this:
If you send this email to other people, AOL will track this email and count how many people get it. Every person that opens this email and sends it to at least 3 people will give us 32c.

Please help us.
George Arlington.

HOLLAH! [30 Oct 2004|12:39am]

This is probably the last time I’ll be asked to perform at Beale Street and it’s the second time in my two-year career as a comic that I’ve been guarded on my way out of the venue, but this one was easily the scarier and more fun.

Six of us were asked to perform tonight thinking it was an open mike or small showcase for passers-by. When we walked in and saw FREE chicken wings (which we were not invited to enjoy) and $2 Cuervo shots we knew this was going to be a fucking NIGHTMARE. The other comics Walked the fuck out of there but I saw the potential for a great story when two drunk ass fools from the ghetto walked in and started heckling.

These were two girls who were not black but some sort of half-breed that would have made Cher feel like an Arian Princess. They kept screaming, “Holl-ah!” which is ghetto for “Give me attention” or “I agree” or “Who farted?” or something similar. It’s a poor people’s aloha. They welcomed me and I started talking about my missing wallet.

“We don’t care about your wallet, motha fucka!” Probably because in the pen they keep everything of any value in their anal cavities. My bad. Comedy is about things the audience can relate to. Stupid me.

They kept trying to get me to go blue (dirty) and finally I gave in and started talking about the worst blowjob I ever had. At some point this stupid bitch started gagging. I was THRILLED that I’d finally made her laugh, and so hard in fact that she gagged. She then proceeded to vomit all over the place and Cuervo taquito digestion filled the barstools. This was fucking brilliant.

I couldn’t stop laughing. Even when she started CHOKING on her own vomit (I HONESTLY) thought she was laughing. PROMISE! And someone started pumping her stomach/Heimlich style. Im finding this hilarious. (“What some people will do to get their tits grabbed!” I screamed.)

She finally comes to. Turns out she was gagging about the perversion of man on man love and not my hilarity. And then tells me she and her boyfriend are going to “gut my faggot mother fucking pussy ass, ass (something or other) ass bitch.”

I didn’t know what to say. so I just yelled….


She took off her shirt and THEN she ran for the stage and the owner grabbed her.

“Oh go back to Compton, Lil Kim!” I chuckled.

That’s when the mike went dead and the show was over. She and her boyfriend didn’t get so much as a swing in before Reggie, Bob and Anthony drug me off and out the back door to the bus.

If I could do this every night I would be in heaven.

( do the time warp again)

New Fetish Night in Tacoma starting this Tuesday... [28 Oct 2004|06:07pm]

[ mood | happy ]

This Tuesday, November 2nd is the very first fetish night in Tacoma at Area151. Come so you can say years from now that you were there at the beginning.

Every Tuesday at Area151's underground is Fetish night! DJ Ir0n_Gruve will be spinning dark industrial, techno, a little 80's, alt rock and some metal in a blacked out underground. The underground is an intimate space and if there is overflow the whole club holds roughly 600 people so the more the merrier.

The club's webpage is at http://www.Area151.us , cover charge:$6 address: 3505 South Tacoma Way (near Parker Paint)

Ground rules: Over 21 only, full bar, no nudity, hats or play. Fetish dress highly encouraged but not required.

Please pass this on.
Thank you.
DJ Ir0n_Gruve

DJ Ir0n_Gruve has DJ'd at FreakManor and at the WetSpot and is proud to be part of the BDSM community. He also takes requests. DJ Ir0n_Gruve can be reached at ArmedNuclearTerrorist @ Gmail.com

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you said it feels good i said ill give it a try [26 Oct 2004|06:49pm]

im hooked

haligh, haligh, an awful lie

nothing to say...its all been taken away

( 3 hot patooties | do the time warp again)

[23 Oct 2004|01:33pm]

[ mood | okay ]

Hell-o fellow freaks. I've just joined, so let me introduce myself:

I'm from Finland, so I might have bad english. I'm vegetarist and bohemian. I love Harry Potter (Snape is the best), Tank Girl, Björk and Jack Kerouac.
I believe in spirits and ghosts, and I love werewolves.

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